Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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