I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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