Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
