i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
