oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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