God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
