I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
