I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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