I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
