I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
