Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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