Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have aggressive nipples.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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