a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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