I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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