Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
and she was petting her beer can
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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