so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
