So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
