if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
