Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Boobs are out for the taking
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize