dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
