my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
