just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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