Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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