i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
