am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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