You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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