saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
