i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am midnight drunk by noon
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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