I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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