apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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