Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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