he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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