I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
