I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You ruined the universe
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
