Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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