a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
