Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
FUCK WHALES
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
