you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
