So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
