quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
