walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
