i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
