I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
