the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
