The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
