Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
