I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
