In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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