As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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