Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
