It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
