I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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