We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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