Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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