You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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