On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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